“When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’” Theodore Roosevelt

Many large corporations, which are forbidden by law to donate to political parties, donated rather large sums of moneys to the political conventions. The corporations did not want media exposure which might alienate members of either party. To play it safe, many contributed to both parties. The Democratic convention sold sponsorships for $100,000 to 75 companies. The Republicans to 40, with some sponsorships to $500K. Scanning the media as the political conventions were playing proved rather amusing. Comments from those allegedly contributing over $100K, and some others:

B of A: We didn’t know how else to get the three Democratic women on the Senate Banking Committee in the same room.

United Airlines: We look at the convention parties as more social in nature than political.

Ameritech when asked about the $1.2 million they spent stringing thousands of telephone lines, fiber and copper cables into the convention center: It’s really not about politics but about pride in our city.

Phillip Morris: Clinton could have gone after us a lot sooner…I’d like to think it’s because we were giving all these years.

Allstate: It’s just the cost of doing business.

Anheuser-Busch: If they can declare war on tobacco to win re-election, why not liquor? Drinking causes costly health problems that taxpayers can get stuck with.

Don’t laugh, BIG MAC: After they’ve done away with cigarettes and alcohol, cholesterol will be next.

United Airlines: I have no regrets. There’s been a lot of pressure for tough safety regulations, and so far the administration hasn’t caved…money for the conventions is a bargain compared with what it would cost to put smoke hoods in all our planes.

Lockheed-Martin: Take the long view. My company is getting $1.6 billion from the Pentagon… $100K is chump change…gravy… and tax deductible.

Anheuser-Busch: Phil, I think I need a beer. Want to join me?

Phillip Morris: Sure. I need a smoke, Bud. Do you mind? There ought to be at least one smoke filled room in a convention.

Prez: I pledge, when elected, … to build a bridge to a future that is free from the curse of dental caries. I am appropriating $5.3 million from emergency funds for an educational campaign urging every American to floss after every meal. (After Hoppe)

Senator (after 6 terms of 6 years minus a few months to run for higher office): I pledge, if elected, to implement term limits for senators. We need outsiders running for president, not career politicians (or was it the other way around?).

ADM: I feel a special simpatico to the party in Chicago. Read the platform. It unabashedly touts corporate welfare. See: government investment in technology, government investment in jet aircraft; a permanent research and development tax credit… I look at this $100K as a tip.

Debra Saunders: There’s opportunity to be found with this party. Look at it this way: Big business, big government, no dif.

The Federal Medical Dictionary to help you traverse the “treat yourself quagmire”

Barium: What you do when the patient dies

Cat Scan: When the Secret Service looks for Socks

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coronary: Domestic yellow bird

D & C: Where Washington is

Dilate: To live a long time

Fibrillate: To tell a small lie

Genital: Non-Jew

Humerus: To tell us what we want to hear

Paradox: Two Doctors

Penis: Someone who plays the piano

Rectum: Dang near killed him

Seizure: Roman Emperor

Doctor: I thought you are innocent until proven guilty. Attorney: No you are guilty until proven innocent. Legislator: No, as a doctor you are guilty until proven guilty. FP-HMO: Doctor, you are guilty and we don’t have to prove a thing.